We are a strange bunch. And made to feel such a range of emotions, being pulled one way and the other. So here’s my story.

Recently I have pondered going back to work. The 2nd child will be entering college in the Fall. With one in-state at a non-state school and one going out-of-state at a state school, the tuition costs for both are the same, not cheap. But we feel these schools are going to meet our girls’ needs and fully support them. We have saved through 529 accounts since they were young, but it’s sooooo not enough. Each will end up with skin in the game through federal loans. These costs have tightened our belts, making the 1 income household even more scrimpy.

Don’t get me wrong, we have a very nice lifestyle and are only in debt on our home, and now a new car for Diva Girl. But extra money sure would help. So I have been applying for jobs and had an interview on Wednesday at a JoAnn Fabrics in town. I managed a JoAnn’s when I was single, right around the time I met Hubster, so I know what the job entails. A quick interview led to a part time offer, 10-15 hours, mostly afternoons. I asked to discuss it with Hubster before replying.

Then I called Hubster and tried to convey my dilemma. I was flattered to be offered a job, but was not ecstatic. I was torn. I couldn’t put my finger on what was wrong and then Hubster nailed it. It wasn’t stirring my passion. At this point a paycheck would be sprinkles on the cake, but not necessary to the cake. It would not make or break the bank. Sure, I could feel better about buying stuff, but do I need more stuff?

I still was torn. In my mind the issue has been, I am not contributing to the family. Hubster has NEVER once made me feel this way. The world has made me feel this way. I look around at our friends and most all of the moms have jobs outside the home. And most all are not happy about it. But because of the lifestyles they are living, 2 incomes are a must. We chose to have less and live more. Does that make sense?

Sure, I would LOVE to go and do and spend and be, but it is not a necessity for my life. I do wish we could do more for our kids, but they are truly not lacking in any area of life. They have and do so much more than we ever did at their age. But the world makes you feel small when your kids aren’t keeping up with their peers.

So, what’s a mom to do. I have few duties now that my girls are growing up. I spend most days puttering around the house. I do help at church one day a week, and knit with friends 1-2 times a week. But other than household chores, of which I do the least possible 😝, and grocery shopping, I am not really doing. I knit, I play with the pups 🐶, feed the pups, water the pups, let them in and out, water the pups, feed the pups… you get the picture. I end up feeling like a failure because I am not out there doing.

I did tell Hubster, if someone called tomorrow telling me they wanting me to work part time in their yarn store, I AM THERE!! The thrill of going to work each day would be off the charts! Or a job working a customer service line for a product, like I did with Mead Johnsons for their Enfamil, loved it! And then he tied it all up in a bow. He told me if the job offer didn’t feel like a blessing, it wasn’t the job for me. Aha! That’s it. I could do the job at JoAnn’s. I could do it well. I have done just about every craft they have on their shelves. But to just be a clerk/cashier isn’t going to stir my passion.

But I will probably still fight the feeling that I am not fulfilling some requirement out there. Not keeping up my end. Not contributing.

10 thoughts on “women

  1. Oh my. I so wanted to be a stay at home Mum , but quite simply I got lonely, all other women being out to work. So I had part time and full time jobs. Full time left me too exhausted to do the things I like and part time didn’t make much sense financially when you took travel into account. Now I have retired I am pleased I did work because I still have money in the form of pension coming in. But I enjoyed my jobs in the main and that’s the key. Find something you will enjoy! Money is not the be all and end all. Good luck, and just being at home and taking care of everything is contributing big time. No one ever says I wish I had spent more time in the office or I wish my Mum had gone out to work!

    1. I know all those things in my head, but then I doubt myself and my value. The world measures us by success, not intangibles. So I just need to ignore the world and listen to my heart.

  2. You have a wise husband! Just because you can’t see or touch your “contribution” doesn’t mean it’s not there. Being really present for your family and friends (and pups🐶) is without price; I know I love to pick up the phone and hear, “Mom? Have you got a minute?” or “Honey, what do you think about this?”. Do what feeds your soul and peace will follow – it does for me.

    1. Thanks for the kind words. It comes down to being at peace with decisions and I am still struggling with this one, but every day something points out it was the right decision to decline. Especially my aching old bones!

  3. I get it —- but, maybe that “blessing” is right around the corner. You have just started to explore your options. I would give it a little time.

    Good luck.

  4. You know I have posted about this frequently on my blog. I am not happy having to work outside the home. I feel like I am a failure at home because I don’t have time to cook a good meal, get the cleaning done the way it needs to be done or work in my yard or garden the way I want. It’s never ending. The thing I decided is that I will work towards my goal of being at home and in the mean time I will ignore the devil trying to tell me that I’m not good enough. When you think about it, knowing you are a woman of faith like me, you will know that the devil is doing this to you. You are enough! What you do is enough! Working in a job that does not inspire you, is madness. I don’t care for my bosses management style but I love my job! Do what you love! Life is so short, hating what you do everyday is misery.

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