women

We are a strange bunch. And made to feel such a range of emotions, being pulled one way and the other. So here’s my story.

Recently I have pondered going back to work. The 2nd child will be entering college in the Fall. With one in-state at a non-state school and one going out-of-state at a state school, the tuition costs for both are the same, not cheap. But we feel these schools are going to meet our girls’ needs and fully support them. We have saved through 529 accounts since they were young, but it’s sooooo not enough. Each will end up with skin in the game through federal loans. These costs have tightened our belts, making the 1 income household even more scrimpy.

Don’t get me wrong, we have a very nice lifestyle and are only in debt on our home, and now a new car for Diva Girl. But extra money sure would help. So I have been applying for jobs and had an interview on Wednesday at a JoAnn Fabrics in town. I managed a JoAnn’s when I was single, right around the time I met Hubster, so I know what the job entails. A quick interview led to a part time offer, 10-15 hours, mostly afternoons. I asked to discuss it with Hubster before replying.

Then I called Hubster and tried to convey my dilemma. I was flattered to be offered a job, but was not ecstatic. I was torn. I couldn’t put my finger on what was wrong and then Hubster nailed it. It wasn’t stirring my passion. At this point a paycheck would be sprinkles on the cake, but not necessary to the cake. It would not make or break the bank. Sure, I could feel better about buying stuff, but do I need more stuff?

I still was torn. In my mind the issue has been, I am not contributing to the family. Hubster has NEVER once made me feel this way. The world has made me feel this way. I look around at our friends and most all of the moms have jobs outside the home. And most all are not happy about it. But because of the lifestyles they are living, 2 incomes are a must. We chose to have less and live more. Does that make sense?

Sure, I would LOVE to go and do and spend and be, but it is not a necessity for my life. I do wish we could do more for our kids, but they are truly not lacking in any area of life. They have and do so much more than we ever did at their age. But the world makes you feel small when your kids aren’t keeping up with their peers.

So, what’s a mom to do. I have few duties now that my girls are growing up. I spend most days puttering around the house. I do help at church one day a week, and knit with friends 1-2 times a week. But other than household chores, of which I do the least possible 😝, and grocery shopping, I am not really doing. I knit, I play with the pups 🐶, feed the pups, water the pups, let them in and out, water the pups, feed the pups… you get the picture. I end up feeling like a failure because I am not out there doing.

I did tell Hubster, if someone called tomorrow telling me they wanting me to work part time in their yarn store, I AM THERE!! The thrill of going to work each day would be off the charts! Or a job working a customer service line for a product, like I did with Mead Johnsons for their Enfamil, loved it! And then he tied it all up in a bow. He told me if the job offer didn’t feel like a blessing, it wasn’t the job for me. Aha! That’s it. I could do the job at JoAnn’s. I could do it well. I have done just about every craft they have on their shelves. But to just be a clerk/cashier isn’t going to stir my passion.

But I will probably still fight the feeling that I am not fulfilling some requirement out there. Not keeping up my end. Not contributing.